This story, of course, assumes that the episode The Q and the Grey never happened.

Life Flight

December 1996

The computer sounded her wake up alarm again. Kathryn groaned and finally sat up. She sat up too quickly and made herself dizzy, so she groaned again. Her door buzzed. Who would be coming to see her at this hour? Feeling too poorly to jump up and find her robe, she opted instead for hiding under the covers. "Come!" she called. As the doors opened she muttered, "This had better be good."

Chakotay heard her comment, but chose to ignore it. He strode in carrying a covered tray. "Good morning, Kathryn. How are the two of you this morning?"

Janeway glared at him. "What are you doing here, Chakotay? I'm not even dressed yet."

"That's all right," he answered with a grin. "I'm not staying and you can keep hiding until I leave. I figured you wouldn't be feeling particularly well, so I brought you some crackers and tea to increase your blood sugar before you get out of bed. Kes says that should help. Did you sleep well?"

Kathryn was stunned. What was Chakotay doing? Breakfast in bed? Did he think she wasn't capable of taking care of herself? Maybe he thought she wasn't capable of taking care of the baby. She was very upset with him and said so. "What the hell do you think you're doing, Chakotay? I have been taking care of myself for longer than I would care to admit. Why are you patronizing me? What right do you have to come in here at the crack of dawn? Isn't the crew already talking enough for you?" Her eyes blazed with anger, which Chakotay thought became her.

"We'll talk about this later today when you're feeling better," Chakotay said, managing to stay calm. "I guess I'll have to add this to my list of things I've learned about you in the last three years." He feigned writing with pencil and paper. "Doesn't like breakfast in bed. I'll remember that. See you on the bridge, Captain." He turned and left.

Kathryn uncovered the tray despite herself. The breakfast was very light and included a hypospray of a safe anti-nausea drug. She dosed herself and then munched slowly on the crackers. After they and the tea were gone she had to admit that she did feel better, although she was still fatigued. She slowly got out of bed and got ready for duty.

On her way to the bridge she was greeted by choruses of congratulations from various crewmembers. Some of the bolder officers also gave her sly smiles and winks, which she purposely ignored. Her senior officers had done well at spreading the news, she could see. She felt almost fit as she strode onto the bridge. She made sure she greeted Chakotay with a cold glance. He grinned anyway, seeing that she was feeling better.

It was business as usual on the bridge that morning until Janeway couldn't stand it anymore. She needed to find out what Chakotay was thinking, where his gall had come from. She called him into her ready room. "What is going on, Commander?"

"Please don't be angry with me Kathryn," he said. "No one saw me coming into your quarters this morning and I didn't discuss breakfast with anyone except Kes." The Captain continued to glare at him. He sighed and continued. "You are the Captain, but you are also a woman. Is it such a terrible thing that I want to treat you as the Captain on the bridge but as a woman off the bridge?"

"But why now? Just because I'm pregnant? You haven't acted like this before," she complained.

Chakotay studied her face. "Haven't I?" he queried. His look caused her to think back to their months on New Earth. Of course he had treated her like this before, there had just been no observers around to notice it.

Kathryn nodded. "All right, so you have," she conceded. "But I feel patronized that you're doing so now because of the baby."

"I always want to treat you like a queen, Kathryn. The baby has just given me a good excuse to do so again. Would it make you feel more comfortable to believe that I am doing it not for you, but just for the baby? It's not true, but you can think that if it would make you feel better. Let me do things for you, Kathryn. Let me be a part of the baby's life from now on. Let me participate in this in the small ways that I can," he implored. "It doesn't make you any less the Captain or any less the woman to have someone help you. Let me help you. I'd like to help you because I want to help, not because you need it. I want to be there for you and our daughter whether you need me or not." His chin rose. "I plan to be there for you and our daughter whether you want me or not." He paused. "I didn't say that very well, did I?"

Kathryn's face had softened. "You said it just fine, Chakotay. At least you didn't try to make an Indian legend out of it." She laughed. "OK, here's the deal. When we are both off-duty and away from prying eyes, you may do whatever you feel you must. On the bridge, however, I am the Captain. Agreed?"

Chakotay grinned. "Agreed. Now, what would you like for lunch? Can you stomach Neelix's cooking this afternoon, or should I replicate something for you?"

"I am feeling quite well right now, thank you." She continued softly, "Thank you for breakfast this morning. It really did help."

Chakotay rose and half bowed before leaving the Captain's ready room.

And so it began. Chakotay settled into a routine of waking Kathryn each morning with crackers and tea or fruit juice and a hypospray. He joined her for lunch and dinner when he could get away with it to make sure she always got something palatable, often secretly using his own replicator rations for her meals. He encouraged her to rest for a short period after her bridge duty but before her dinner. He escorted her to her quarters most evenings to make sure that she went to bed early. And, as often as possible, he joined her in communing with the spirit world. They found that when they entered their visions together, their personal animal guides never joined them, only their daughter's bird. They began to know her, to see her sparkling personality even before they had any idea what she might look like. They did try to guess, though. Chakotay insisted that the girl would resemble Kathryn, with red hair and blue eyes, whereas Janeway preferred to think of her with a combination of their features; dark hair and fair skin.

Chakotay's support off-duty helped Kathryn maintain her composure on-duty, even when she was not feeling well physically or emotionally. He seemed not to mind if she was moody or upset during their private time together. Finally, when Kathryn was about five months pregnant (later than expected, according to the padds Chakotay read), she began to gain some of her vigor back. It was at this point that she began to "glow" and look forward with more anticipation to the arrival of their daughter. They had taken to calling her "Robin," even though her bird wasn't really of that breed, and Chakotay suspected that the name would stick, although they agreed not to explain where it came from. Although Kathryn didn't need as much of Chakotay's support at this point, they continued to spend much of their off-duty time together, often walking on beaches or in forests created by the holodeck, or with Chakotay telling her the ancient stories of his tribe.

Chakotay found himself falling more and more in love with her and relished their time together. Kathryn had learned how to relax again like she hadn't since they had left New Earth, and seemed to be enjoying herself immensely. One evening, Chakotay hoped that the time was right and chanced a kiss. She returned it at first, her heart pounding, but then pulled away, begging, "No, please don't." Chakotay looked hurt, but didn't say anything. "If this is what you feel, Chakotay, you're probably crazy because I'm fat and moody and not myself. I can accept what you feel, though. It's not been a very well-kept secret. But how can I trust what I feel? I want to be sure that my feelings aren't just due to hormones, well, baby hormones, anyway."

Chakotay nodded, understanding, and promised to keep their meetings platonic.

On Kathryn's six month prenatal visit to sickbay, Kes took a chance and asked, "So how are things going with you and Commander Chakotay?"

"He's being very supportive," the Captain answered.

"Are you enjoying it?" Kes persisted.

"I'm getting used to it," was the response.

This isn't working, thought Kes. Guess I'll have to be more blunt. "I know the Commander is really enjoying himself. He cares a great deal for you, you know. He did before the baby was ever in the picture."

Kathryn bowed her head to avoid Kes's eyes. "Yes," was all she said.

Kes moved closer. "Captain, I know this must be an uncomfortable subject for you, but I really sense that you need to talk about this. I'm not one of your officers, so maybe you could talk to me?"

"Chakotay wants more from me than I can give right now," the Captain stated.

Kes answered, "Well, that's certainly understandable. You have a lot to think about with the baby coming plus commanding Voyager. I'm sure Commander Chakotay understands that. He has similar things to think about."

"That's not it," Janeway interrupted. "I seem to find plenty of time to think about a relationship with Chakotay. I've been feeling more... loved... and accepted... than I think I ever have in my life. But how can I be sure that Chakotay is the cause of those feelings? All sorts of chemical changes have been happening to my body due to the baby. How can I trust myself? Wouldn't any pregnant woman feel similarly toward the father of her baby?"

Kes thought a moment before replying. "I don't know, Captain, having never been a mother myself. I suspect there is some validity to that idea for most women. Most women, that is, who had enough of a relationship with the man to conceive their child. In the normal fashion, I mean. You and Chakotay may have the bond of the baby now, but you didn't have the bond of her creation. In fact, it could be said that you and Q created the baby. Do you have feelings for Q now?"

"Most definitely not!" answered Kathryn.

"And as for your hormones. Yes, there are many changes going on in your body right now, some of which are certainly capable of giving you a feeling of well-being. What you have to consider is whether those feelings were there before your pregnancy or whether they are new. How did you feel about Chakotay before the baby? Is what you are feeling really new?"

The Captain slid off the biobed and strode toward the door. "Thank you, Kes. As usual, you have given me a lot to think about."

"You're welcome, Captain."

That evening, Kathryn was still pondering her conversation with Kes as she was lying in bed. It was getting more and more difficult to get comfortable at night, although Kathryn suspected that physical discomfort wasn't the reason for her sleeplessness. She pondered her months on New Earth alone with Chakotay, and how she had been so close to accepting the planet as her new home and Chakotay as her whole universe when Voyager had returned with the cure to their mysterious illness. It had been very difficult to settle back into life on Voyager, but it had been good for Kathryn, as it had forced her to seriously consider the old adage that home is where the heart is. Prior to their leaving, she had been on the brink of accepting New Earth as home, but, more importantly, at some point during their stay there, she had ceased thinking of the Alpha Quadrant as home and had been forced to adapt to her surroundings. Yes, it had been difficult to be snatched away and returned to Voyager, but not nearly as difficult as it had been to be flung into the Delta Quadrant in the first place. She was surrounded by friends and familiar surroundings on the ship, and she was able to mentally settle into that feeling much more easily this time. While the ship's destination was still the Alpha Quadrant, the ship, or rather its occupants and its routine, had truly become home. And if someday there were to discover a habitable unoccupied planet here in the Delta Quadrant, Kathryn might be ready to consider building a community there.

Suddenly, Janeway was roused from her musings. In a bright flash of light she was removed from her bed and placed, upright, in a park-like setting. A lush green lawn was surrounded by trees with fresh green leaves, and to her right was a park bench. An idyllic setting, but it barely registered to Kathryn, who was quick to notice that she was now wearing a flowing civilian pant suit in the same color as the leaves, and was, to her horror, no longer pregnant. Another flash and Chakotay appeared, looking equally startled, but handsome in tanned leather pants and jacket. Janeway sank to the bench. "Look at me, Chakotay. The baby is gone!" she exclaimed.

Chakotay crossed and sat down on the bench next to her. "This must be Q's doing. Any idea where we are?"

Kathryn visibly relaxed. "Of course. He's taunting us again." She paused to take a more careful look around. "This place doesn't look familiar to me. Do you know it?"

The Indian shook his head. "No, but it could be any M-class planet anywhere."

"And of course we have no tricorders, no phasers, no nothing," Kathryn moaned. She pressed her hands against her now flat stomach. "I'd almost forgotten what it feels like," she said. "I suppose the baby is really safe and sound and this is all an illusion of some kind."

Chakotay shook off his thoughts of 'feeling' Kathryn's flat belly and replied, "And I suppose we have no choice but to play along."

"Shall we explore, Chakotay?" He offered her his arm and they began exploring this place to which they had been transferred.

After a short walk across more lawn under more trees, they climbed a slope overlooking a gleaming lake. As they got closer, they saw that there were small children splashing in the water under the watchful eye of several adults. They were too far away to tell if they knew any of them, but they were certainly humanoid. One of the splashing children stopped playing abruptly and turned to face the two officers. She dropped her beach ball and began running for the hill. Chakotay almost fell over in surprise when he heard a tiny voice in his head squealing, Daddy, Daddy! with delight. As she got closer, he could tell that the little girl's lips were not moving.

Kathryn watched the child approaching, concerned that she was running from her chaperones without asking their permission. But as the girl came closer, that worry left her mind. She was probably five or six years old, judging by her face, but was tiny for her age. She had flaming red hair down to her waist and freckles everywhere Kathryn could see. She had blue eyes that sparkled with intelligence and mischief, and she was obviously delighted to see Commander Chakotay, who started beside her.

"Did you hear that?" he asked. But by then the girl was calling out aloud, "Daddy, Daddy! You're back! Mommy, look! He's back!"

Chakotay recovered from his confusion and swept the child into his arms. She showered him with kisses. "How's my little bird?" he asked, playing along.

"I'm fine. I was playing." She turned to the Captain. "I played with my tricorder for a while, Mommy. The water is twenty-seven degrees Celsius and the wind is blowing at 12 kph. Just right for swimming! But I made sure I put it back in its case before I went in, Mommy, just like you told me." Janeway smiled at the child.

"Daddy, I couldn't talk to my animal guide while you were gone. I don't think I'm big enough yet to do it without you. Can you help me later?" she begged.

"Of course, sweetheart," he answered, putting the girl down.

"And, Mommy, can you help me show Daddy the science stuff you taught me while he was gone?"

Kathryn said, "After dinner, OK?"

"Thanks!" she grinned.

"Robin!" the collective voices of the children still in the lake called. They had to combine their voices to be heard from such a distance.

"Why don't you go play in the water with your friends for the rest of the afternoon. Your father will still be here when you get back," the Captain gambled. Robin quickly hugged each of her parents and ran off smiling.

"Let's go where we can talk unobserved, shall we?" Janeway asked.

Chakotay stopped her. "Just a moment, please, Kathryn," he implored. "I'll explain in a minute." On a hunch he blanked his mind as he did when approaching the spirit world. Kathryn watched him close his eyes. She stood quietly as he concentrated on whatever it was he was thinking. He reached out his mind and with all the concentration he could muster thought, Wave good-bye, sweetie. Then he opened his eyes. Robin lifted her head toward him and raised her hand before splashing the bigger boy next to her. The boy dunked her and they both came up laughing.

Chakotay turned away, took Kathryn's hand, and started them off on their walk.

Kathryn was silent to let him explain when he was ready. It didn't take long. "Kathryn, Robin and I, or at least the Robin and I of this reality, whatever it may be, are telepathically linked. I heard her calling me as she was running up the hill, but she wasn't calling aloud. At least not at first. And just now, I asked her to wave to us, and she did."

"That must be a wonderful experience, Chakotay. I have always thought telepathy fascinating, although my experiences with it have always been marginal." She gave a brief thought to her strange mind meld with Tuvok during his illness. "Very few humans experience that kind of connection, and I envy you. But I should remind you that this 'reality' is most likely Q's invention, and he will add or subtract anything here on a whim. I don't have any idea why we're here, or how we can get away, but we can't view anything we see here as a real indication of what our future is to be. We have no way of knowing anything." Kathryn was becoming increasingly agitated. "We are, once again, his pawns and he will play with us in any way he wishes."

Chakotay sighed. "Everything you just said is true. We can't do anything at this point. Maybe at some point he will make himself known and our purpose for being here will be clear. For now, though, I intend to live for the moment. Kathryn, can you put your questions aside for now and live for the moment?"

"Let's see some more of this place," she answered.

The two spent the rest of the afternoon exploring. Strangely, all the time they walked, they did not see any others of the humanoids they had spotted near the lake, and they saw no landmarks that might explain their whereabouts. "Q must be hiding this place's location from us," Kathryn theorized. "He's only showing us what he wants us to see."

"Or what HE wants to see," Chakotay pointed out.

By dusk they had made their way back to the lake to join their daughter, who greeted them with more kisses. "Let's see what a smart girl you are," Chakotay said. "You lead us home. Tell us which ways to go."

"That's too easy, Daddy," the little girl replied, but grabbed one of each of their hands and dragged them away.

They apparently lived in a charming little cottage on an isolated hillside. Chakotay circled the house, examining his structure, but covered by saying, jokingly, "Robin, are you sure this is the right place? I'm not quite sure if this is our house or not." Robin nodded vehemently. "Good job, sweetie. I'll have to come up with something harder for you. Why don't you go and get my medicine bundle now." The child scampered off.

Chakotay turned to Janeway with a smile. "I built this house," he said. Kathryn had been performing her own examination of the house. The decor was an interesting mixture of Indian "earthy" art and furniture and modern computers, replicators, and scientific equipment. There were also shelves full of books of all types and quite a few toys scattered about. Kathryn approached the terminal on the huge rustic desk as Robin tripped in carrying a medicine bundle that had grown significantly larger than the one Chakotay kept in his quarters on Voyager. Chakotay sat down cross-legged on the floor.

The tiny girl very carefully opened the leather bundle and arranged the various items in a circle around the biggest stone. As she did so, Chakotay noted with pride the tiny tattoo depicting the medicine wheel on the back of her right hand. He also noticed the items that had been added to his collection. They included one of the barrettes that the Captain had recently taken to wearing on the bridge and two locks of hair; one auburn, and the other bright red. He could not control the grin overtaking his face.

Robin climbed into his lap and took his large hands in her two small ones. Are you ready, Daddy? she asked with her mind.

Yes, he thought back and closed his eyes. After a moment, the little bird appeared alongside Chakotay's wolf.

While Chakotay and Robin consulted the ancient spirits, Janeway was engrossed in her personal logs. Along with the birth of her daughter and the building of the community around her (whose name was conveniently blurred on the monitor), her love affair and subsequent marriage to Chakotay was described in such great detail that she blushed although alone. She had not left behind her science and command skills, but had succeeded in using these talents to be a pioneer. Judging from the logs, being a mother, wife, and pioneer suited her perfectly. More than five years' worth of logs glowed with happiness. "But this is just a figment of Q's deranged imagination," she reminded herself. Sighing, she rose from her chair and went outside for a stroll.

After a few steps, she realized she was no longer walking alone. "Q!" she exclaimed. "Where are we, and why have you brought us here?"

Q smiled enigmatically, "My, my, Kathy, so many questions. Don't you like it here? The Kathy in your logs is very happy here."

Kathryn replied, "I like it here, in a way, but I don't belong here. I haven't lived the life in those logs. If I end up here one day, so be it, but I have missed the journey."

"You're thinking linearly again, Kathy. I can show you anywhere, any time, and still you want Voyager, Now, whatever meaningless stardate it happens to be."

"Q, is this really my future or is it some scenario you made up for your own entertainment?"

"Ah, Kathy, you can either think linearly or not think linearly! If I were to answer that question you would be forced beyond the linear, would you not? Then if you returned to that linear existence knowing what would happen in the future, how would that affect the linear life you were forced to live?"

"In other words, this may be my future or it may not. Either way, you're not going to tell me."

Q exclaimed, "At last you have said something that makes sense, Kathy!"

"All right, then, can you at least explain to me the purpose of this exercise? Why are Chakotay and I here?"

"All a part of my little study in human psychology, of course."

Kathryn looked confused. "I thought you wanted to observe Robin. Wouldn't it just be easier to wait until she gets to five years old to see five-year-old behavior? Or if you're in a rush, why don't you just pop five years into the future and have a look?"

"My dear, I will do all these things. It's not Robin who's under scrutiny this time! It is you!" Q clapped his hands in delight. "I surprised you!"

"I'm getting angry, Q. Either tell me what this is all about, or just send us back to our own time and leave us alone!"

"But telling you the purpose of my experiment would bias it! Q pouted.

"Q!!"

"Oh, all right! I wanted to show you a glimpse of an ideal future, but one you've never dreamed of, and see how hard you work to make it happen. I wanted to see if you would give up your ship and being a Captain giving meaningless commands to your crew in order to live a life that most women would die for."

Kathryn was stunned. Q continued, "Think about it, my dear. Is your life headed the way you want? Do other goals suit you better? Ta ta, for now." Q disappeared and Janeway found herself back in her quarters, alone.

The first thing Chakotay felt on return to his quarters was a profound sense of loss. His child and his happy life with Kathryn had been snatched away from him in the blink of an eye. The second thing Chakotay felt was the need to go to her. He wanted to discuss their shared experience and see what they could learn from it. He pulled on his bathrobe and started off down the corridor, barefoot.

The first thing Kathryn felt on her return was anger. What right did Q have to go flitting around the galaxy playing with lower species as if they were toys? She pounded her pillow in frustration, which dissipated her anger somewhat. Kathryn's next emotion was fear. Fear that she might never achieve the life she had seen and that she would always be alone. She snatched up her bathrobe and headed for her door with her hair falling, tussled, around her face. The door buzzed before she even reached it. Startled, Kathryn opened it.

"Chakotay. I was just coming to talk to you," she said. "Q was there, in that village."

"I'm not surprised," Chakotay answered, settling himself into the couch. Kathryn sat down next to him, too distracted to think of it as suggestive.

"He is testing me this time."

"How so?" the Indian queried.

"He said that he wanted to show me what he called a 'perfect future,' but one very different from the track I am on now, to see how hard I would work toward that goal."

"So what we saw wasn't necessarily the future, but could be?"

"Yes," Kathryn said, obviously still very agitated.

"Then no particular action is required on your part," Chakotay said. "You are neither playing along nor ignoring him by simply living your life as you wish. But you are still upset."

"Yes. I am sick and tired of being Q's plaything. What right does he have to observe us and 'appear' whenever he wishes?" Janeway asked.

"And?" Chakotay asked. "Keep going, Kathryn."

She sighed. There was a long pause. She looked away. "I liked what I saw," she said, almost inaudibly. "Perhaps there is a better future out there for me. For all of us on Voyager. How can I possibly know?"

Chakotay pondered that for a moment. "By consulting with your animal guide for your own desires. For others, by watching and listening, and asking questions. Your attitude about getting home has been slowly changing, hasn't it? I've watched you change from being obsessed with finding the quick way home to get back to your old life to relaxing more and enjoying some of the journey on the way. My people have a saying: 'The bird flies. He knows not where, but the flight is his life.' People like Tom Paris have lived that philosophy, and it is a good one, as long as it is balanced with at least some thought to the future. You are a planner, Kathryn. It is one of the things that makes you such a good Captain. But a little bit of 'flight enjoyment' would make your life much more pleasant. It would also help you to understand some of your crewmembers better, like Tom. Many of the crew are ahead of you in that sense. Some of them, particularly the Maquis, are in no hurry to get back because they are not sure what they will find there. We may be acting like 'fleet now, but we could easily be thrown in jail for the rest of our lives. Even many of the Starfleet crew that could come home as heroes are wondering what has happened to their loved ones. They feel those back home have moved on and they might like to as well."

"What about you, Chakotay?"

Chakotay met her eyes with an intense expression. "I have nothing in particular to return to in the Alpha Quadrant. I have no family and no career there. I wonder sometimes what is happening there, if the Maquis have gained any ground, if Cardassia has become the vacation spot of the quadrant, if they've improved Starfleet's uniforms." He grinned. "But they are just questions. They have no bearing on my life here and now. Here and now, I am thrilled with being second in command of Voyager, keeping the daily routine running smoothly, keeping the crew as happy as possible, being important to our little group. I am looking forward to being a father, and, as always, I am happy to be near you. Life on Voyager is certainly not perfect, and we're in danger more often than I would like, but we've got a good complement, a good mix of people to keep things going both professionally and recreationally. I am content here."

Kathryn nodded. "You're right. I need to spend more time with the crew and see if their goals have changed. If they want to go home, or make a new home. The final decision will be mine, of course, but I can certainly take their wishes into account."

Chakotay smiled, a twinkle of mischief in his eye. "What about the wishes of your First Officer?" He chuckled, but Kathryn looked at him with a deadly serious expression.

"Chakotay," she said. "If you can continue to be patient with me, I will try to relax and enjoy what we have." She paused, looked away, but then met his eyes, grasping his hand. "I am amazed at the intensity of the feelings I have for you, Chakotay. Don't ever question that. But I have never had to try to balance the needs of a crew with my own needs and I have never risked such a relationship with someone I have no choice but to continue to work with if something should go wrong. It terrifies me. But if you are willing to risk it, I am willing to give it a try, too."

"Trust me, Kathryn. My animal guide says we are soulmates and I have never known her to be wrong. We will make it work and we will make each other happy."

Kathryn smiled, and hugged him as closely as she could with her enlarged belly.

Kathryn sat at the rustic wood table across from her red-headed daughter who was attempting to blow out her five birthday candles. Her gaze left the little girl to rest on her dark husband who was bouncing their equally dark three-year-old boy on his knee. Subconsciously she compared her life with the "ideal" one Q had shown her so long ago. There were some similarities, such as the personality of her daughter and the fact that she and Chakotay had settled the crew of Voyager into a brand new community. But there were important differences. Kathryn was proud of the fact that they had found their own destinies following their own route without basing it on Q's vision or relying on Q's interference. In fact, they had not seen Q since the day he had snatched them away from Voyager more than five years ago. Oh, he had been near, she was sure, but he had not shown himself or interfered in any way. Silently, she thanked him, though, for pointing her in a more appropriate direction for her life's flight.

The End