Rated: PG13

By Starbuck
BlueRoses@sweetdreams.freeserve.co.uk

Bittersweet. That's the word Kathryn would have used to describe the passage through the wormhole and into Federation space. For six long years she had fought to get her crew home, but losing half of them at the eleventh hour had not been part of the plan. And Chakotay - losing Chakotay was even harder than she could possibly have imagined it would be. The time they had hadn't been enough - a lifetime wouldn't have been enough - and now she could do nothing but see him in her mind and curse Starfleet protocol, and her ridiculous adherence to it.

Kathryn had imagined getting home many times; in fact she still imagined it after having crossed into the Alpha Quadrant. They had been 'home' for seven hours and never had she felt so much an alien. As she sat at her desk in the ready room, coffee in hand, she let the reel play through her mind one more time.

Tom at the helm as usual, guided Voyager towards the opening of the wormhole at low warp, then dropped to impulse. Looking to the Ops station Kathryn saw Harry Kim gripping his console as though he were a rodeo star and it might buck him off. His face was paler than usual and his boyish enthusiasm was tempered by his nervous desire to be back with his family. Tuvok stood staidly at tactical and surveyed the bridge with his usual raised eyebrow absent for this special occasion. Although he could not participate in the emotions flying around the bridge he could certainly understand them, harboring himself a good deal more sentiment towards the arrival home and the feelings of the crew than he would admit. B'Elanna Torres was not standing at her engineering console at the back of the bridge but had instead moved down to behind the helm and was standing with her hands resting on Tom's shoulders, gently caressing them through the Starfleet-issue material and bending to drop a kiss surreptitiously on his sandy head as the intrepid class ship entered the mouth of the wormhole.

Chakotay sat to Kathryn's left. He was always supposed to be there and there was no way he would have willingly missed sharing that with her in the same way they had begun to share their feelings. It was so new but had grown so quickly into something amazingly strong. There was no trepidation in Chakotay's face as he reached across the center console and took Kathryn's hand, nothing but love shone there. She wrapped her small, but deceptively strong fingers tightly around his large hand and held on. She needed his strength to not break down in front of the crew and simply cry for the relief of being free. Debriefings and then they could quietly slip away to' somewhere, it didn't matter. They would be free. Free to be together'

Bee-bop

The chime on the door wakened Kathryn from her revere and brought her back to her ready room and the Alpha Quadrant, leaving her amused that after years of dreaming of home, now that she was in the Alpha Quadrant her thoughts and her heart still lived on an M-class planet in the Delta Quadrant. Fate dealt funny cards; and I don't even believe in fate, she mused.

"Come."

Lieutenant Kim entered the ready room cautiously and Kathryn knew that he had been recruited as an emissary from the crew, one of her known favorites, to drag her to the informal party that had been thrown together in the Holodeck. One last night at Sandrine's didn't actually sound that bad but there would be so many memories. All of her closest friends, save Harry and Tuvok, were still in the Delta Quadrant. Seven deciding that Earth would not welcome a Borg, even liberated and individual as she was; Tom and B'Elanna hiding from Starfleet as Maquis terrorists, but at least together; Neelix unwilling, at the last moment, to leave his home quadrant; the doc staying behind as physician on the newly colonized world. Sandrine's would be empty that night but the visit was important for closure. She wouldn't play pool though. There was no fun in it if she couldn't beat Tom into the ground and then sit with Chakotay's arm around her shoulders as Tom explained to B'Elanna how he'd let Kathryn win because it wasn't a good idea to get the Captain pissed at you. The memory made her chuckle and elicited an unusual look from Harry.

"I assume, Lieutenant, that you have come to cajole me into joining the festivities in Holodeck three, is it?"

"Yes, Capt... Kathryn." He still hadn't got the hang of her name. It amused her how quickly some of the senior staff had adapted to the lack of formality in off-duty situations, and how uncomfortable it made some. Harry fell into the latter group and had taken months to call her Kathryn - still forgetting at times and reverting back to title.

The title Captain no longer held the allure and pride to her that it once had. Certainly she was still proud of all that she had accomplished under its influence but she was also aware of all she had missed out on because of the emphasis she put on it. Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Starship Voyager was disenchanted with Starfleet anyway and wanted nothing more than to be Kate to her Chakotay and live on a verdant planet in an uncharted territory. She could almost hear him calling her.

No - she refused to do it again. Hearing his voice in her head was so easy; and so disturbing. She knew she loved him. She knew he loved her but she was still, deep inside her heart, the same woman who had resisted the love of Chakotay for six years because of the fear that she would lose him. Now her fear had come to pass and the thought that she may not be able to cope without him by her side was a constant in her mind. Hearing his voice only compounded that for her. Hearing voices was a sign of insanity, wasn't it?

"Come on Lieutenant - Harry. Let's go say goodbye to Sandrine. Maybe she'll give us free drinks." Kathryn smiled and stood, taking Harry's arm and allowing him to escort her out of the room, trying not to remember who should have been in his place. The bridge was unusually silent. It was strange that almost her entire bridge crew had been made up of former Maquis. It had seemed ridiculous and somehow crass to replace them for the last few hours of the journey and so Tuvok, Harry and herself manned the bridge. Only Tuvok was remaining at his post as Kathryn and Harry headed for the Holodeck. He had never cared much for parties.

The atmosphere in Sandrine's was melancholy to say the least when Kathryn arrived with Harry. Drowning of sorrows appeared to be more on the agenda then any sort of celebration. Kathryn paused by the door and called for attention.

"I know you all miss the others; I do too, more than you probably imagine," she began. "Every single person here has lost dear friends and I know that back in the Delta Quadrant they are missing you. I also know that some of the most entertaining and upbeat people I've ever known are on that M-class planet and also in this room, they wouldn't want you to be hurting or brooding any more than you can help. I know how hard it is but please try and make this a celebration of those we have lost, not a wake. This is a bittersweet occasion but I just wanted to say something to you that I wanted to tell the whole crew but never got the chance - welcome home, voyagers."

~*~*~*~*~*~*

Mark was waiting at DS-9 when Voyager docked, standing with Kathryn's mother and sister and waiting for Kathryn to disembark. His wife had stayed at home with their two children, understanding Mark's need to see his former fiancé but not doubting his loyalty for a moment. Her trust was well placed. It was nice to have someone waiting for her at spacedock but Mark wasn't the face she saw. Walking into his arms was natural but not sexual, as was crying as he held her. Mark knew she wasn't crying for him but he didn't question her, merely passed her along to her mother who held her as she sobbed. Phoebe embraced her sister hard and then pulled back, keeping her arm around Kathryn's shoulder and walking her a little away from the others.

"Who is he?" Phoebe had always been perceptive. Perceptive in that annoying little sister who knows everything sort of way, but Kathryn was grateful for someone who would ask her questions so that she didn't need to think.

"Chakotay." That one word was all she said but a look of recognition came over her sister's face.

"The Maquis Captain. Tell me?" That was all Kathryn needed. Her ice blue eyes melted and rivers ran down her face for what felt like the one-millionth time since Chakotay's departure. They moved to the nearby bench and Phoebe took Kathryn's hand, squeezing it gently and giving her the strength to tell her story. She talked of their first meeting, the tension between them as conflicts erupted between the two crews. She talked of Lake George and New Earth, walks on the Holodeck, pinky peach colored roses, obsidian eyes and charcoal tattoos, there weren't enough words to tell of him but she verbalized as much as she could. Lastly she spoke of his final gift to her; the holoprogram he had left in her quarters. She told her sister of the way she had headed straight for the Holodeck immediately but then held it for hours before she dared to play it, her fear at what it would say or not say and the choking sobs that wracked her body as the smooth velvety and foreign voice declared Chakotay's eternal love to her. She hadn't bared her soul to anybody but him for years and just chatting so freely and honestly with another woman made her feel a little better. She had missed her sister more than she had ever cared to admit to herself and seeing her was wonderful. The issue which clouded Kathryn's thoughts, however, was one thing: she wasn't really happy to be home, in fact she wasn't home. Earth had stopped being her home years ago and now she felt almost as stranded on Earth as she had felt in the first weeks of being thrown into the Delta Quadrant. The feeling that there was only one place she belonged and she would never even see it overwhelmed her. Fate once again, with its funny cards.

The Starfleet accommodation she was given for the duration of the debriefings was luxurious, she was a 'fleet hero after all, but impersonal. Nothing in it inspired her or relaxed her or comforted her. Nothing abated her feeling of being a guest on her home planet. The walls were beige, the bedclothes were beige, the carpet was beige. The entire set up gave her the impression of being inside of a vanilla cream fudge. Not so sweet though. Oh Chakotay, why aren't you here? Why can't you be here when I need you? Stretching out on the larger-than-double bed and closing her eyes, Kathryn fell into a fitful sleep and dreamed dreams which made no sense but spoke of her troubled and turbulent thoughts.

~*~*~*~*~*~*

Admiral Paris was at Headquarters and waiting outside the designated debriefing room when Kathryn arrived. His protégé was supposed to be a hero and going down in history for her actions, however, the relinquishing of the Maquis crew was demonstrative of her rebellion from the Starfleet ideals, as were the loose and flowing waist length curls that cascaded over the shoulders of her uniform. He studied her before greeting her and watched as she walked towards him - her jaw set and her eyes determined. She would be not be taking any bullshit from the Admirals in that room and that might cause trouble for her. The thing was, she had the look of someone who had their future set and didn't care what happened in the intervening time. That look was disconcerting to Owen Paris. He had had such high hopes for Kathryn and was hurt more than he admitted when Voyager was declared lost; now she was back and Kathryn would have had a good chance for admiralty if it hadn't been for that Maquis stunt. That could still be explained away though. He intended to make sure it was, he had invested too much in her.

"Little Katie Janeway," he exclaimed when she approached him, feigning surprise at seeing her - as if she didn't know he had been scrutinizing her all the way down the corridor. She knew she looked different, she felt different too, but her hair was the small act of rebellion she had chosen to subtly make the point that, while she hadn't abandoned all of the Starfleet ways, she was no longer the embodiment of all things Federation and they would have to accept it.

"Admiral Paris," she greeted him coolly. She had once admired him more than she could realistically account for. He had had the time for her that her father had never been able to spare. It wasn't until she got to know Tom Paris that she resented the time that the admiral had given her. She had got more attention from the man than his own children had. Would he ask about Tom? Kathryn didn't know what the answer to that question would be but she knew that if he didn't she would not be able to forgive him. Tom had become too close a friend for Kathryn to stand passively and watch his father disown him, he didn't deserve it.

"So, you broke my deadbeat son from jail and set him up in the Delta Quadrant? What's he doing now then; drinking, sleeping around? How many women has he got on the go now?" The bitterness in his voice cut through Kathryn's skin and chilled her bones. How could this man speak of his own son in that way? For a moment she was too shocked to answer his questions but then her autopilot took over.

"Yes, sir. I took Tom on Voyager as an observer and guide but he became my best pilot, one of the most valuable and respected Lieutenants on my ship, and a close friend. As for drinking - his holoprogramming skills were employed in creating a bar for recreational use by the crew but he drank in it no more than I did. Tom is a fine officer and I'm only sorry that you won't be able to see him that way. Oh, and Owen - you may be interested to hear that Tom isn't quite the womanizer you envision him as. He may have been rather flirtatious early in the journey but if my time keeping and calculations have been correct he should be getting married to his partner of three years in five days and expecting his first child, a daughter, in four months." With that Kathryn brushed past the stunned admiral and entered the room he had been standing in the doorway of. Seating herself at the long table without being invited she settled in for a long session. Debriefings could be long enough when you were away for mere weeks, Voyager's mission could keep the powers that be chewing through data and interviews for years.

~*~*~*~*~*~*

The hours at the interview table, recounting events from her perspective that had already been thoroughly documented by other crewmembers, left Kathryn with aching muscles and weary eyes when she flopped listlessly onto her bed in her quarters. At the time it had seemed like a good idea to keep logs and reports up to date. I had seemed important to record everything, partly because it would cut down on the time she spent in debriefings when they got home. That had been a pretty little delusion that Kathryn had hung on to right up to the point when the first Admiral asked her to describe the Caretaker's array. It appeared that the proliferation of logs and records that Voyager boasted had merely left the people at headquarters with more to question, verify and investigate.

Kathryn lay on the bed thinking about how much easier the trip might have been if she had just let it all slide. Abandoning protocol - not in matters or rank or seniority of course, but enough to avoid the piles of reports and PADDs that appeared almost independently on her desk each duty shift. She could have seen Chakotay more. One of his backrubs would have been heaven as she lay there alone in her physical being but with her mind elsewhere. She suddenly stood up and slipped a holorod out of her bag, slid it into the computer port and instructed it to play sound only. The music filled the room as an incredible and fantastic idea filled Kathryn's mind.

This bond between us can't be broken. At that moment Kathryn made a decision, one that would affect the rest of her life and risk everything but was worth the risk. Their bond wouldn't be broken; it would never be broken.